WHY  THEY  MARRIED 


WHY  THEY  MARRIED 


TEXT  AND  ILLUSTRATIONS 
BY 

JAMES  MONTGOMERY  FLAGG 


NEW  YORK 

LIFE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 
1906 


Copyright  1906 
LIFE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


BRITISH  COPYRIGHT  SKCURKD 


AM,  RIGHTS  RBSKRVKD 


DEDICATED 

TO  SEVERAL  OBLIGING  MARRIED  COUPLES 

WHO  HAVE  POSED 
FOR  SOME  OF  THESE  PORTRAITS 


Don't  be  ashamed  to  let  us  know 

Why  you  tried  matrimony, 
For  others  brave  the  under-tow 

For  reasons  quite  as  funny; 
We  give  these  little  facts  away, 

Perhaps  it  is  a  treason, 
Don't  marry  in  an  off-hand  way, 

Be  sure  "there's  a  reason !" 

THE   AUTHOR 


STUNG ! 
He  was  a  gentle  and  sensitive  chap, 

He  married  the  forceful  Miss  Howe, 
He  wanted  her  sympathy,  did  the  poor  yap — 

He  has  everyone's  sympathy  now ! 

(9) 


SHE  KEPT  HER  WORD. 
Maud  hung  onto  straps  in  the  Subway  and  "  L," 

No  man  ever  said  "  Take  my  seat ! " 
She  swore  that  she'd  marry  the  first  one  who  did— 

The  next  day  her  husband  did  meet ! 


SKIDDOO ! 
When  your  wife  jams  her  hat  on  and  packs  up  her  bag 

And  says  "  I  shall  go  back  to  mother ! " 
If  you  sniff  she  will  say,  "  Just  for  that  I  will  stay ! " 

One  excuse  is  as  good  as  another. 

(  13) 


v/.IWf. 


SHE  LOOKED  SO  DOCILE ! 
John  Quincy  tho'  kindly  and  gentle,  declared : 

"  The  man  must  be  master,  by  gum ! " 
But  his  outlook  on  life,  is  just  what  his  dear  wife 

Lets  him  peer  at  from  under  her  thumb ! 


(  15) 


NOT  'A  QUITTER. 
Wilhemina's  bridegroom  failed  to  show  up  at  the  church 

So  she  yanked  the  driver  off  the  wedding  hack, 
And  married  him  in  lieu  of  John,  who'd  left  her  in  the  lurch 

For  she  would  NOT  send  the  wedding  presents  Ijack. 

(  17) 


EVER  KNOW  IT  TO  FAIL? 
"  I  never  could  marry  that  kind  of  a  man ! " 

Said  Miss  Sue  of  a  fellow  named  Sid— 
So  of  course  the  gods  heard  her  and  laughed  when  they  saw, 

'Twas  exactly  the  kind  that  she  did ! 

(  19) 


HOW  WAS  SHE  TO  KNOW? 

The  reason  sweet  Alice  got  married  to-day- 
Sweet  Alice,  so  prettily  blushing, 

She  hadn't  the  faintest  idea  that  the  gent 
Had  another  wife  over  in  Flushing. 

(21  ) 


A  TONIC. 
Miss  Luella  Gloaming  was  naturally  glum, 

So  she  married  young  Grouch,  the  recluse ; 
For  she  says  when  she's  sad,  she  Just  looks  at  his  face— 

Then  she  can't  help  but  laugh  like  the  deuce  ! 

(23) 


WHY  Till-;    MARRIED. 
This  couple  before  you  are  husband  and  wife, 

He  looks  sorry  and  just  a  bit  harried ; 
It  took  a  mere  two-spot  to  scare  him  for  life, 

At  least  that's  the  reason  he  married ! 

(25) 


EXPLAINED  AT  LAST. 
Mr.  Pinhead  was  worth  eighty  millions, 

Miss  Nothingbutt  had  eighty-two ; 
Why  do  cash  and  spondulicks  get  married  ? 

Spondulicks  and  cash  always  do ! 

(27) 


AN  OPEN  AND  SHUT  GAME. 
They  heard  that  people  ought  to  wed 

Their  opposites  in  life ; 
He  finds  an.  opposition  where 

He  thought  he'd  found  a  wife ! 

(29) 


RKALLY  SUE  DID. 
You  never  can  guess  why  she  married  this  man, 

There's  no  use  the  matter  to  mince, 
She  married  him  merely  because  he  had  hair 

Like  her  lost  Pomeranian,  "  Prince." 

(31) 


AND  THERE  YOU  ARE ! 
The  reason  Walter  Applepie 

Did  wed  his  Nancy  fair, 
She  liked  the  way  his  mouth  curled  up— 

He  liked  her  fuzzy  hair ! 

(33) 


-H 


TRUE  COMPANIONS. 
These  people  are  mated  exactly, 

And  all  that  remains  is  to  tell, 
That  she  is  a  bully  good  talker, 

And  he  listens  equally  well ! 

.35) 


AN  ADVERTISING  MEDIUM. 
The  reason  this  chap  In  the  box  here 

Made  his  lady  friend  Mrs.  Van  Pelf, 
He  had  a  whole  car-load  of  diamonds 

And  he  couldn't  well  wear  them  himself; 

(37) 


SO  THOUGHTFUL  OF  FATHER. 
Again  to  the  altar  went  widower  Brown, 

When  his  grief  he  could  decently  smother, 
He  explained  it  to  every  acquaintance  in  town ; 

"  My  poor  children  needed  a  mother." 

(39) 


OLD  MERGER  AND  MAYME. 

Why  did  they  marry— December  and  June  ? 
Old  Merger  and  Mayme-out-of-School  ? 

Mayme  didn't  care  for  those  ready  made  frocks- 
December  was— just  an  old  fool. 

(  41  ) 


NOW  SHE'S  WAY  ABOVE  PAR. 
Billy  Margin,  a  broker,  did  wed  Ysobel, 

Her  shape  counted  most  in  his  eyes, 
Now  her  figure's  no  more,  and  Billy  Is  sore, 

For  he  finds  he  had  bought  for  a  rise ! 

(43) 


AVERTED  DANGER. 
The  reason  Jenks  married, 

So  we  are  told, 
He  was  'fraid  he'd  be  lonely 

When  he  got  old ! 

(45) 


FATE, 
The  rtciOT  goi  married  io  Annabel  Gauze, 

The  rector  was  gentle  and  good ; 
He  made  up  his  mind  that  he'd  marry  because 

She  had  made  up  her  mind  that  he  should ! 

(47) 


THE  SUN  DO  MOVE. 
Petkins  wed  her  Nobby  Boy 

In  the  year  of  our  Lord  knows  when — 
He  was  once  the  mold  of  form 

And  she  was  stylish  then  ! 

(49) 


A  MATTER  OF  TASTE. 

He  married  her  because  she  didn't  swagger  like  a  man, 
Nor  did  she  stand  with  feet  apart,  toes  in, 

She  wasn't  a  "  good  fellow,"  thickly  coated  with  a  tan- 
She  was  merely  lovely,  really  feminine ! 

(51) 


STRONGER  THAN  MERE  LOVE. 
The  bond  is  a  strong  one  that  couples  this  pair, 

A  case  in  which  Jill  found  her  Jack, 
This  strong  binding  tie  is  the  joy  they  both  share, 

In  ripping  their  friends  up  the  back ! 

(53) 


IN  ROUND  FIGURES. 
Now  here  Is  a  couple  who  seem  of  one  mind, 

What  on  earth  made  them  think  they'd  agree  ? 
Why,  he  didn't  care  for  the  lean  scraggly  kind, 

And  it's  funny,  but  neither  did  she ! 

(55) 


AKIN  10  LOVE. 
Out  ot  pity  married  Chaucer, 

She  had  been  upon  the  shelf, 
For  same  reason  he'll  divorce  her, 

Pity— this  time  for  himself ! 

(57) 


SPORTS  ! 
He  thought  she  was  wealthy ;  she  thought  he  was  too, 

Not  thinking  each  other  a  grafter, 
They  found  out  between  them  there  wasn't  a  sou— 

So  they  laughed  and  lived  happily  after ! 

(59  ) 


INEVITABLE. 
This  happy  young  bride  is  a  girl  we  all  know, 

Who  swore  that  she  never  would  wed, 
When  she'd  been  out  of  school  a  fortnight  or  so 

She  accepted  misogynist  Ned ! 

(61  ) 


THEY  WILL  DO  IT ! 
Both  poor  as  Job's  turkey  and  not  overstrong— 

Hold  a  three  dollar  job  the  man  couldn't— 
We  are  forced  to  conclude  that  they  married  because 

There  was  every  good  reason  they  shouldn't ! 

(63) 


\  V 


NO  FALLING  OFF. 
Paul  told  her  lovely  fairy  tales  when  she  was  but  a  child, 

She  loved  him  far  above  all  other  men. 
Tho'  they've  been  married  quite  a  while,  the  tales  he  tells  her  now 

Are  quite  as  good  as  those  he  told  her  then ! 

(65) 


WANTED  A  CHANGE. 
Young  Twentyperr  looked  carefully  before  a  wife  he  took, 

His  wife  would  have  to  know  a  thing  or  two, 
He  wanted  to  be  certain  that  his  spouse  knew  how  to  cook 

The  way  his  mother  didn't  use  to  do ! 

(67) 


IT'S  ONLY  TOO  TRUE. 
"  That  woman  married ! "  I  hear  you  exclaim, 

Your  knowledge  of  people  Is  small, 
There  Is  always  some  chump  who  will  whisper  "  Je  T'alme ! " 

While  real  peaches  are  left  by  the  wall ! 

(69) 


HIGH  FINANCE. 
Jonas  Granitt  married  and  he  knew  that  he  was  cute, 

A  Mrs.  Drudge,  his  housekeeper,  no  less, 
For  he  owed  her  two  years  wages— you'll  admit  he  was  astute, 

Now  he  doesn't  owe  her  anything,  I  guess ! 

(71) 


SEE  GOT  TIRED  OF  IT. 
They  are  married  and  Maudie  looks  quite  worn  out, 

It's  no  wonder— he  pestered  her  so, 
He  proposed  forty  thousand  and  ninety-six  times— 

Every  time  but  the  last  she  said  "  No ! " 

(73) 


SIDE-TRACKED. 
These  people  wed  in  self-defense, 

All  social  life  they  missed, 
They  found  themselves  outside  the  fence, 

For  neither  played  bridge-whist ! 

(75) 


THE  BUTTERFLY  AND  THE  AENEMONE. 
Mr.  Butterfly  Flitter  was  handsome  and  gay, 

Why,  he'd  ne'er  given  marriage  a  thought, 
But  he  dallied  too  long  by  a  flower  one  day, 

And  before  he  could  flit  he  was  caught ! 

(77) 


AHA! 

Pious  Mary  knew  that  Jake 

Gambled  and  drank  rum  too ; 

She  married  to  reform  the  rake- 
Now  see  what  she  has  come  to  ! 

(79) 


MR.  AND  MRS.  JOHN  SPRATT. 
She  fancied  him  because  she  felt  a  very  piquant  charm 

In  the  unexpected  awful  things  he  said — 
On  her  remarks  he  could  depend,  they  never  caused  alarm, 

So  as  they  both  were  pleased,  they  wed ! 

(81) 


\ 


A  PRETTY  SMOOTH  GENTLEMAN. 
Mary  thought  her  husband  was  the  finest  anywhere, 

He  was  the  satisfaction  of  her  life. 
He  knew  too  much  to  ever  say,  "  Why  don't  you  dye  your  hair  ? 

Or  praise  another  woman  to  his  wife ! 

(83) 


HOW  ABSURDLY  ABSURD! 
Mr.  Tootles  rides  on  trolley  cars  a  good  bit  of  his  life, 

His  little  wife  goes  with  him  for  the  ride ; 
A  friend  asked  why  he  married  such  a  tiny  little  wife— 

"  She's  so  easy  to  get  on  with ! "  he  replied. 

(85) 


AND,  GREAT  SCOTT,  HE  LIKES  IT! 
Steve  looked  for  a  captain  and  not  for  a  mate 

And  his  friends  all  agree  she  was  found, 
Why,  they  say  that  the  reason  he's  putting  on  weight 

Is  because  she  just  ordered  him  'round ! 

(87) 


DO  YOU  SEE? 
Intuition,  deduction,  observation  as  well, 

And  a  masterful  knowledge  of  life, 
All  figure  as  naught  in  our  efforts  to  find 

Why  this  pair  became  husband  and  wife ! 

(89) 


LABOR  SAVING. 
When  his  wife  died  he  married  her  sister, 

A  practical  man  was  McGraw, 
"  In  this  way,"  he  said,  "  I've  no  trouble 

To  break  in  a  new  mother-in-law." 

(91  ) 


MATTER  OF  FACT. 
Bert  had  known  Gladys  from  childhood, 

From  the  day  of  the  doll  and  mud-pie, 
When  the  time  came  of  course  they  got  married, 

As  one  puts  on  one's  coat  or  one's  tie ! 

(93) 


A  SHAME  TO  TAKE  THE  $. 
Young  Rebayte,  Jr.  had  a  stack, 

A  show  girl  he  did  wed, 
She  married  him  behind  his  back, 

For  she  had  turned  his  head ! 

(95) 


NEWPORT  NEWS. 
Bernard  De  Lancey  and  Evelyn  Smarte 

Disregarding  good  taste  and  the  cost, 
Got  married  again— an  affair  of  the  heart- 

They  were  tired  of  being  divorced ! 

(97) 


NO  OBJECTIONS. 
Izzy  Morris  Fiddlebaum 

Wed  Leah  Meyer  Rosen, 
For  neither  had  a  prejudice 

Against  what's  called  "  The  Chosen  " ! 

(99) 


HE  WANTED  THE  EARTH ! 
Joe  married  Miss  Paula  McQuaver, 
And  altho*  she  was  thin  and  passe, 

She  really  had  lots  in  her  favor 
About  eight  city  lots  on  Broadway ! 

(  101) 


QUITE  RECKLESS. 
She  loved  him  for  he  was  so  brave, 

Yes,  in  that  line  quite  peerless- 
He  married  this  widow  with  seven  kids — 
By  gosh,  was  not  that  fearless  ? 

(  103  ) 


SHE  HAD  POSITION. 
Al  Biggins  thought  he  married  well  when  he  got  Sally  Brown, 

For  very  well  connected  was  his  "  poll," 
Connected  too  with  all  the  finest  families  in  the  town— 

By  telephone— She  was  a  "  Hello-Goll " ! 

(105) 


"DONT." 
These  foolish  happy  people  here, 

Mehitabel  and  Harry, 
Disdaining  quite  those  words  of  "  Punch  " 

To  those  about  to  marry ! 

(107) 


DATE  DUE 


JUN  1 1  197 
UN  2  7  1877 


24  1979 


1373 


JU     3  0  1980 


&TTT 


mix-Tic  IN  w  •  * 


3  1970  00107  5370 


nnn  oo,;!       '" 

000309235 


